January 13th, 2021
What is Masculinity and Femininity?
I ask this question not as a rhetorical device, but because I have an implicit answer that many people have questioned me over. Many others have agreed with me, too, but as we’ll see, life without tension is a sexless desert.
Some seem to believe that masculinity and femininity aren’t even real, or entirely constructed. Let me sidestep this argument by saying that I agree with them, but that there’s definitely more to the story.
With those folks, I would probably also find agreement with the idea that gender is a spectrum. At its poles are pure, uncut, fish scale masculinity and femininity. Perhaps we might disagree on the nature of the spectrum, weather it’s shaped like a horse-shoe, a sphere, a rhombus or what have you, but I haven't yet heard from anyone so woke as to claim that there is no such spectrum at all (Of course, our conservative friends may declare gender a pure binary, but that will work fine enough with my exploration today, just not as well as the spectrum model).
Finding a Good Enough Map
For the sake of argument, let's take this image to be a good start. Let’s imagine that there are distinctions between masculinity and femininity and if you disagree with the exact wording on the image above, let's pretend that the general vibe of the description is true.
From my perspective, these two poles aren't useful as labels to apply to individual men and women. And it is really only adjacent to what genitals you have. I like to use it as a map to read my own internal experience, as both masculinity and femininity are active members of my psychic entourage.
Masculinity and Femininity Embodied
The image above is effective because it invites us to see that these are two forces with their own strengths (and developmental weaknesses) to be balanced within ourselves.
Lately, I’ve been actively cultivating the power and strength that come from embodying mature masculine qualities. I like being decisive whereas in the past I've been avoidant. My feminine qualities of receptivity, inward expansion and sensitivity are inveterate and well-developed, and I'd like to hone their inverse. I notice a physiological difference between these ways of being and times when I intentionally become expansive, active and outward. It feels fucking good.
OK, bro dude, where's the balance? Well. For a while I thought of masculinity as the righteous pole to embody and manifest as a biological man, and that came with all the disregard and cynicism to of feminine side. The immature, wounded masculine was in high gear, especially during my senior year of high school. It was a ridiculously fun, painful, confusing and important phase to pass through.
There's still the residue of that attitude within me and I notice myself becoming skeptical of my feminine qualities if I'm not careful to intentionally cultivate them and admire their place in my psychic landscape.
To misquote my favorite Bob Dylan song: "The man in me will do nearly any task[...]the [woman] in me will hide to keep from being seen.
I think I'm drawn to a certain simplification about this bipolar spectrum. I can see X trait as masculine and Y trait as feminine for example, and categorizing them as such is kind of a masculine project of labeling and categorization.
Inversely, the value of this model is it's complexity, wholeness and inherent mystery which makes it alluring and sexy. It asks my feminine ways of being to come online to intuitively and physically understand something that my masculine processes miss.
As a self-knighted philosopher, I have to wonder about the "utility," of this model. What are the fruits of this perspective and how does it actually enrich my life?
For one, they're sexy. The invigorate me. I feel energized by them sexually and creatively. This arousal transmutes into motivation to write and converse and enter flow states that bolster my soul with confidence
I note here the heavy lilt towards masculine metaphors. I feel like a caffeinated penis missile flying through the air, aimed singularly at the orgasmic release of finishing this article.
I detect there is much more to explore here and in my linear and phallic mental state my tunnel vision blots out the landscape of context and alternatives.
The Metagame
The metagame is the game of all games. Winning the metagame with a clear and definite victory in the same way that you win the Superbowl is impossible because there are always more games to improve upon and winning at one game means you lose out at some other valuable game.
On the whole, though, you can improve across the metagame, accruing aggregate victories and becoming something of a Grand Master at certain interrelated life domains like philosophy, carpentry, public speaking, regenerative agriculture and sex. Just a fun combo that sounds interesting.
The interpersonal relationship metagame is one of my favorites. There are many skill sets that I can develop within this game and many models I can try out with which to perceive the game, one such model is the gender spectrum between masculinity and femininity.
As an embodied sense, masculinity and femininity are useful poles to fluctuate between. I like to imagine them as spirits that visit whether I invite them over for tea or not.
The Spirit of Masculinity flies up my butt and takes me over like cocaine. It spreads from my chest, quickly consuming the rest of my body and captivating it with focused energy.
The Spirit of Femininity falls about me like a mist and enters through all my pores gently and seamlessly.
When I'm tired and flaccid, I can motivate myself with some masculine body feelings and when I get to tight and judgemental I can engage my accepting feminine physicality, relaxing a bit, breathing, sensing into the surroundings, taking a (w)holistic, reflective posture on the task at hand and continuing fourth.
Tension As a Force of Life
I'm reminded of a conversation I had on my twenty-second birthday. I found myself gazing across the LA skyline on a beautiful day with my best friends surrounding me from outside of a six foot radius. The metacrisis was getting to me as our talk turned to the chaos and destruction ever looming in our gen-Z hearts and minds.
It was then that one of my best friends, a wise philosopher-jester named Evan Lytle, nursed his root beer and invited me to consider the dialectic between joy and suffering, pain and pleasure, heaven and hell, being and nothing, stillness and action.
"It is this tension that creates human life and experience,” he said. “It is this tension that motivates us and scintillates us into action, and this ever-munching ouroboros is a source of beauty." That was essential. Shouts out to Ev Dog.
In the same way, the tension between the masculine and feminine parts within myself and between myself and others is so god-damn activating and exciting. This is sexual tension that creates, a sexual tension that is not only penis+vagina and the various permutations of that combo, but of life exploding into being in myriad forms. Total and flat agreement is the sexual and creative heat death of the universe. These robust poles yearning towards each other across their spectrum of manifestation are an infinite gold mine of energy and mystery and power.
When I arrange these two sides across from each other in myself, balanced and matured, they dance and fuck with ferocity resulting in a wonderful physiological and psychic treat. I enjoy the show while becoming the show and I suppose that's one of the best parts of this entire inquiry.
Hermetics and symbol-junkies throughout history have represented femininity as a circle. It is whole and dialectically circular. Its compliment, masculinity, is represented most simply by a straight line. It is dialectically linear, propelled fourth by conflict. In that spirit, I invite you to challenge me (or stir me with compliments) and cast your kindling on the ever-erupting flame of dialectical tension. It's the reason I write!
With love,
Crambi